This Thing Called Calling

Maybe I've known what it was for a while. But it wasn't available. I couldn't get to it yet. 

I wasn't ready. 

Much of my life has felt like preparation. Preparing me for what? I've never been sure. I have never believed the season I was currently in was going to be long term. Some seasons were certainly longer than others, but none of it seemed to be 'the thing'. 

Recently, I read an article about how to find your calling. (You can read it here.)

This ending paragraph stuck with me:

"Unlike a job that is for a season, a calling will beckon us for a lifetime. It creates an inner drive and restlessness when we live outside of it and peace when we are embracing it and living inside of it. A job is printed on your resume. A calling echoes in your epitaph."

I have lived in that restlessness most of my ever changing vocational life. (Ask anyone who has spent much time with me. I am always looking for the next thing. A little envious of those who have found their 'thing'.)

There have been glimpses of this peace that comes when you do what you are meant to do. Short lived experiences volunteering here or serving over there. Spending a day or a week gaining blisters and being exhausted in service to others. Going on this service learning trip or a brief glimpse into what that thing over there might be like. But I have never gotten to keep it. 

And maybe this side of eternity, I never will. 

But maybe, just maybe, the thing is right around the corner. It is waiting there. Waiting for me to be ready. For us both to be ready. Waiting for when my gifts, talents, abilities, desires all line up in just the right way. Waiting for me to take that next step around the corner to look it in the face. 

The article ends with this:

"Consider your calling and diligently pursue it. It will make all the difference."

So that's what I will do. 

Even if 'the thing' never happens, I will pursue the use of the talents and abilities I have been gifted with in the hope I know to be true. The hope that the One who calls is faithful and when we align with Him, those deep felt longings can be satisfied.  

My mom once said to me, 'you have to go through what you go through in order to get to where you get to.' So I'll keep going through in hopes of getting to.

Because 'the thing', my calling, might be waiting for just the right moment for me to finish going through and to actually get to. 

And maybe, just maybe, it might be right in front of me right now.

(You can read the full article on calling via Relevant Magazine, here.)

Happiness

This isn't my usual blog post. 

Usually I write more light hearted 'a day in the life' no real confrontation or conflict involved. So reader beware. 

This winter has been hard. 

*it's spring now, I know, but I'm still coming off the pain and trials this winter left behind. 

This winter was full of heavy thoughts and actions. Worldview altering decisions. Interactions and happenings that left me feeling disappointed in humanity. 

And what I wish I could say is that I have overcome them. That I'm ready to move on and restore my faith in humanity. But I'm not, nor do I know that it will ever really be restored. 

Don't hear me wrong, there are many people out there loving and serving and being upstanding members of society, but that's not the point of this post. 

These choices that were made in the very close world around me were made in feeble attempts to find happiness in some form. To find some sort of fulfillment in varying ways. Relationally, financially, emotionally, chemically. 

At least that's how I see it. 

And the thought that I'm left with is not a thought of 'I just hope these choices made the choice maker happy.'

Because as it turns out, when we all seek our own happiness, someone else is often left hurting or losing or confused. 

No, friend (or stranger that stole my purse), your happiness is not what I want for you. 

What I want so deeply that I almost don't express it because it's a longing you can't explain all the time, is for you to know Jesus. 

Not for you to be happy. 

Maybe happiness will come with that and we will rejoice if it does. But maybe trials and testing will come with that and we can rejoice in that too. Because

"we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint..." (‭Romans‬ ‭5‬:‭3-5)

No, I don't want you to be happy. Or at least I don't want that to be the only thing. Or the main thing.

My friend, I want you to know who created you, who loves you deeper than a brother, who sacrificed life and rose again for you. I want you to know the one who longs for you. 

I want you to want the joy and suffering and fulfillment that comes in knowing you belong in a place outside of this temporal world. And that your hope can be to someday rejoice in that fully forever. Because 

"now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face; now I know in part, but then I will know fully just as I also have been fully known." (‭1 Corinthians‬ ‭13‬:‭12‬)

No, I don't want happiness. I want Jesus, regardless of my worldly happiness.

An Update: Six Months in the Making

Life. It seems to be getting calmer now. As if a new normal is settling in.

I turn 31 in less than a month and it seems that 30 has been nothing close to any normal that I have had before. I left the job I had known for 3 and half years which included a lifestyle all its own.

In the mean time I had 3 part time jobs.

A very generous and fun family allowed me to live with them for the summer. A friend and I were re-directed from living together and an adorable apartment by the flea fiasco of 2014 (and other circumstances). In October opportunities opened up for both of us separately and I moved in with 2 great gals. I am paying rent for the first time since 2008.

I gave up on running after training half way for a full marathon. When the weather permits, I will run again.

On the same day in October, after a short period of unemployment, I was offered 2 jobs. I accepted one of them and have been there 4 month now.

The holiday season was a different feel this year. I went to Cracker Barrel with friends for Thanksgiving, which apparently many people do. Then spent most of the day alone. I only got to be home for about 72 hours at Christmas (this was my first year without a Christmas break, I am very thankful for all the years before). It seemed to be the year of no return to me. As if what once was would never be the same again. But maybe that's every year.

Wickwarmers did very well over the Christmas season. I could hardly keep up!

Some interesting relationships began to develop and others fizzle all at the same time.

I was a wedding coordinator for a dear friend for a weekend, which I thoroughly enjoyed. Also much enjoyed at that wedding was seeing far away friends all in the same place at the same time. And at 30 years old it was the first wedding to which I brought a guest (ever), and a very helpful sidekick and guest he was.

Five days after the wedding, my car window was busted into and my purse was stolen and I spent much of January and some of February trying to sort that out and get the bank to give me my money back.

The next day in January some life altering (bad) choices were made in my closest circle of friends. The effects (or affects?) of which reach far beyond us and far beyond the days we can plan ahead.

A year of transition was defined the day I got a W2 for a job I forgot I had and thought was going to be my 4th and final, but was my 4th and still waiting on final. Which I received and enjoyed doing my taxes as usual.

January was mostly a blur.

February has gone by in a flash. How are there only 2 days left?!

This week I reorganized my room and moved in my trusty elliptical machine. The machine I give a good deal of credit for my 40 lb weight loss 2 years ago and the machine I hope to get me back down the ever fluctuated 8-15 lbs I have gained back since.

This week I also bought a ticket to meet my mom in San Francisco this summer! And found a good deal. And can run off the energy that planning travel gives me for days!

It seems things are settling in. A new normal. Creating rhythm after a season of chaos in many ways.

But without the chaos we wouldn't appreciate the calm. Nor would I learn and grow and gain perspectives of which I might not have otherwise.

Oh, and I got to sneak in a trip to the beach recently for good measure.

March, the best month, the birthday month is 2 days away and I welcome its arrival. Here's to the chaos that makes us appreciate the calm and the growth that is gained in the mean time!

On Giving Up

I have given up on a few things from time to time.

When I was a kid I was a quitter more than a go-getter. Maybe I still am at times. I quit piano, the most regretted quit. I quit softball, but I don't really regret that. I quit gymnastics, but that wasn't entirely my choice (I can, however, still do a one handed cart wheel and amaze my niece who is learning to do round offs).

A few months ago I gave up chocolate for 40 days. I usually give up something in the Lenten season. This year it was Instagram and other social media. Every couple of months, I take a week off Facebook. Honestly, I would quit that one all together if not for the far away friends and pictures of nieces and nephews it allows me to keep up with. And occasionally I give up things like ice cream and pop just to keep control over my habits.

As an adult I have actually gotten much better at seeing things through. Mom made me stick with volleyball my freshman year of high school and I played 6 years for school teams and the 10 years since recreationally. I finished AmeriCorps and did a second term and anyone who knew me the first 2 months of that knows how badly I wanted to quit. But I didn't. And I am glad that I did not quit those things.

Learning to see things through has also allowed me to know when it's ok to give up and move on from something. Be it a hobby, relationship or goal that just isn't within reason.

My most recent thing I am giving up on (just for now, not forever) is training for a full marathon. In May it seemed like a good idea to sign up for one. It doesn't seem like an entirely bad idea now.

But....

It seems the best thing to do is to give it up for now. When I do my long runs, still no longer than a 1/2 marathon, my knees press on in quiet anger and pain wondering what in the world I am trying to do to them. It also is a huge time commitment that I am not quite equipped to make for the next two months.

I like running. And I want to keep liking running. And running a marathon this fall just seems that it is not the way to keep liking it. I will continue running and building a better base and strength that I need to be able to complete a marathon (someday).

But for now, I am hanging up my goal and going with being better at what I know I can already do.

Sometimes the thing to do is push through and not give up. But others, giving up might just be the best thing to do.

I Think I'll Go to Boston

Boston has always been a goal for a trip. And it was the last of the 30by30 goals to be completed. Fenway park was the main reason, but then when Kelly moved near the city it seemed the right trip to make. It also helped that the Reds just happened to play the Redsox at Fenway this year. Schedules were checked and tickets were bought and Aly and I ventured northward!

Aly went a little earlier than me to visit some family so we met up with her when Kelly picked me up Sunday morning.

Our first stop, straight from the airport was to tour around Boston Common, the Freedom Trail, and whatever else we seemed to stumble upon.

Boston Commons, where we had our picnic lunch prepared by Kelly.

I'm a terrible tourist and historian, I did not take notes as usual so do not remember many names of the things on the Freedom Trail. (Nor did any of us really know what they were at the time)

Leave the gun, take the cannoli.

Street performers

Cheers Bar

We headed back to Kelly's residence to drop our stuff and make some dinner which we then followed up with some ice cream from the local shop where she lives. Local ice cream is on my list of priorities for any trip that I take.

After spending the evening searching for cheap Mexican restaurants for Cinco De Mayo the next day(which seem to be in every shopping area around Greenville, SC) we settled on just Mexican, sans the cheap. This did however lead us to a day of adventuring and touring around as we drove many more miles than planned and stopped in to see what we could see on the North Shore.

Our friend Steph works for GE wind energy.

This house is perfect.

The light house that we thought we were trespassing to get to, but then ended up being a public place. And it had a rock wall that was progressively windy and almost a half mile long out to the end in the bay.

We took a break from disc golf on Kelly's campus to climb some trees.

Cute little kite fliers on a beach somewhere in NH I think. 

And to end the evening, we went to a lovely New England contra dance. We danced at the Scout House in Concord which is known in the contra dance community for the line by the fire place, which we all danced in. It was a lovely dance full of people who were lovely dancers. Being young-ish gals we were a bit of a hot commodity and couldn't have sat out a dance if we wanted to.

A lovely New England contra dance.

The last morning we went for breakfast at Sugar Magnolias in Gloucester for a hike around a lake near Kelly's residence and toured around a little here and there to fill the time we needed before getting Aly to the airport.

A lake with hiking near Kelly's residence.

And then we went to Fenway Park! Aly left us to head back south and Kelly and I ventured to Fenway. She had no attachment, nor much interest, but she tagged along anyway. It was a fantastic evening for me. I forgot to take a picture of my Fenway Frank, but it was enjoyed for sure. If you ever go, give yourself time for the pre-game festivities and to tour around the stadium. I did not get to take an official tour, but I guess that just means I will need to go back someday. 

Street performers and pre-game hooplah on Yawkey Way.

It's so small. And you can get really close up pre-game.

Reds vs. Redsox

Our view from the bleachers. Well worth the price for tickets. 

Not a bad seat in the place.

After the game, we navigated the train system to find our way back to the home of a friend of Kelly's. We crashed there for the night and I caught my plane back south bright and early the next morning. 

The tunnel to head back to the airport.

See ya later, Boston!

Over a month...oops

To blog to blog to blog...

I have been meaning to blog for a few days.  No, it's been weeks. Actually, over a month. 

Oops. 

Summer has flown by and gotten the best of me (and has given me a pretty good tan.) How is it July already?!

This is a strange summer for this girl who is usually at a camp. I'm not completely out of camp world, but am not living at a camp for the first summer in 5 years (not to mention the 4 in college). 

Including the musings about not being at camp, here are some things I plan to blog about in the next few weeks:

- a wonderful trip to Boston

- building a house in Raleigh

- a trip to OH in June

- a new niece, who is so tiny 

- security vs. freedom

- a non camp summer

- running a full marathon (or at least registering for one)

- book art and art in general

- job searching and learning and who you know

- jim and bill, the best volunteers ever

- and maybe something else that might come to mind

Half Marathon in January

Had you informed me a year ago that I would willingly register myself for a half marathon in January of all months, I likely would have called you crazy.

After having run a half marathon in January, it turns out I'm the crazy one. 

While I was running in the rain, which at one point poured in a very heavy downpour, I thought to myself, 'why are you enjoying this? What is motivating you right now?' And I still haven't come up with an answer. 

After my cousin Jennifer ran a half marathon a few years ago I thought it sounded like quite an accomplishment, but never thought I would ever want to do one myself. I was that person saying things about how running that much has to be bad for your body and especially your knees. Not that I was doing anything that was particularly good for my body at the time. (And if you asked my knees around mile 12 and for the full day after the race if they thought it was good for them, they would give an emphatic NO in response.)

I then met this friend named Sarah who was planning to run 13 half marathons in 2013. She was definitely crazy. But then one day while out on a walk, I thought, 'if sarah can run 13 miles, I can run 1.'

So I ran 1 mile that day back in march and 1.5 and then 2 the next week and then 2.5 the next and by May I ran 6 miles in one go without any actual training plan. 

And it seemed that I liked it. Sometimes I even craved it. But I'm still not sure why really. 

And 9 months after my first full mile run since knee surgery 8 years ago, I have ran the distance of a half marathon twice. Once on my own in the heat of summer. And now once in an official race in the cold rain of winter. 

As spring has been a little crazy, thus me writing about an event in January in May, I have not been running regularly. However, soon I think things might even out. And just a few days ago I was looking at plans to train for a full marathon.

I'm definitely sure I'm the crazy one now.