Happiness

This isn't my usual blog post. 

Usually I write more light hearted 'a day in the life' no real confrontation or conflict involved. So reader beware. 

This winter has been hard. 

*it's spring now, I know, but I'm still coming off the pain and trials this winter left behind. 

This winter was full of heavy thoughts and actions. Worldview altering decisions. Interactions and happenings that left me feeling disappointed in humanity. 

And what I wish I could say is that I have overcome them. That I'm ready to move on and restore my faith in humanity. But I'm not, nor do I know that it will ever really be restored. 

Don't hear me wrong, there are many people out there loving and serving and being upstanding members of society, but that's not the point of this post. 

These choices that were made in the very close world around me were made in feeble attempts to find happiness in some form. To find some sort of fulfillment in varying ways. Relationally, financially, emotionally, chemically. 

At least that's how I see it. 

And the thought that I'm left with is not a thought of 'I just hope these choices made the choice maker happy.'

Because as it turns out, when we all seek our own happiness, someone else is often left hurting or losing or confused. 

No, friend (or stranger that stole my purse), your happiness is not what I want for you. 

What I want so deeply that I almost don't express it because it's a longing you can't explain all the time, is for you to know Jesus. 

Not for you to be happy. 

Maybe happiness will come with that and we will rejoice if it does. But maybe trials and testing will come with that and we can rejoice in that too. Because

"we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint..." (‭Romans‬ ‭5‬:‭3-5)

No, I don't want you to be happy. Or at least I don't want that to be the only thing. Or the main thing.

My friend, I want you to know who created you, who loves you deeper than a brother, who sacrificed life and rose again for you. I want you to know the one who longs for you. 

I want you to want the joy and suffering and fulfillment that comes in knowing you belong in a place outside of this temporal world. And that your hope can be to someday rejoice in that fully forever. Because 

"now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face; now I know in part, but then I will know fully just as I also have been fully known." (‭1 Corinthians‬ ‭13‬:‭12‬)

No, I don't want happiness. I want Jesus, regardless of my worldly happiness.