This Thing Called Calling

Maybe I've known what it was for a while. But it wasn't available. I couldn't get to it yet. 

I wasn't ready. 

Much of my life has felt like preparation. Preparing me for what? I've never been sure. I have never believed the season I was currently in was going to be long term. Some seasons were certainly longer than others, but none of it seemed to be 'the thing'. 

Recently, I read an article about how to find your calling. (You can read it here.)

This ending paragraph stuck with me:

"Unlike a job that is for a season, a calling will beckon us for a lifetime. It creates an inner drive and restlessness when we live outside of it and peace when we are embracing it and living inside of it. A job is printed on your resume. A calling echoes in your epitaph."

I have lived in that restlessness most of my ever changing vocational life. (Ask anyone who has spent much time with me. I am always looking for the next thing. A little envious of those who have found their 'thing'.)

There have been glimpses of this peace that comes when you do what you are meant to do. Short lived experiences volunteering here or serving over there. Spending a day or a week gaining blisters and being exhausted in service to others. Going on this service learning trip or a brief glimpse into what that thing over there might be like. But I have never gotten to keep it. 

And maybe this side of eternity, I never will. 

But maybe, just maybe, the thing is right around the corner. It is waiting there. Waiting for me to be ready. For us both to be ready. Waiting for when my gifts, talents, abilities, desires all line up in just the right way. Waiting for me to take that next step around the corner to look it in the face. 

The article ends with this:

"Consider your calling and diligently pursue it. It will make all the difference."

So that's what I will do. 

Even if 'the thing' never happens, I will pursue the use of the talents and abilities I have been gifted with in the hope I know to be true. The hope that the One who calls is faithful and when we align with Him, those deep felt longings can be satisfied.  

My mom once said to me, 'you have to go through what you go through in order to get to where you get to.' So I'll keep going through in hopes of getting to.

Because 'the thing', my calling, might be waiting for just the right moment for me to finish going through and to actually get to. 

And maybe, just maybe, it might be right in front of me right now.

(You can read the full article on calling via Relevant Magazine, here.)

Happiness

This isn't my usual blog post. 

Usually I write more light hearted 'a day in the life' no real confrontation or conflict involved. So reader beware. 

This winter has been hard. 

*it's spring now, I know, but I'm still coming off the pain and trials this winter left behind. 

This winter was full of heavy thoughts and actions. Worldview altering decisions. Interactions and happenings that left me feeling disappointed in humanity. 

And what I wish I could say is that I have overcome them. That I'm ready to move on and restore my faith in humanity. But I'm not, nor do I know that it will ever really be restored. 

Don't hear me wrong, there are many people out there loving and serving and being upstanding members of society, but that's not the point of this post. 

These choices that were made in the very close world around me were made in feeble attempts to find happiness in some form. To find some sort of fulfillment in varying ways. Relationally, financially, emotionally, chemically. 

At least that's how I see it. 

And the thought that I'm left with is not a thought of 'I just hope these choices made the choice maker happy.'

Because as it turns out, when we all seek our own happiness, someone else is often left hurting or losing or confused. 

No, friend (or stranger that stole my purse), your happiness is not what I want for you. 

What I want so deeply that I almost don't express it because it's a longing you can't explain all the time, is for you to know Jesus. 

Not for you to be happy. 

Maybe happiness will come with that and we will rejoice if it does. But maybe trials and testing will come with that and we can rejoice in that too. Because

"we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint..." (‭Romans‬ ‭5‬:‭3-5)

No, I don't want you to be happy. Or at least I don't want that to be the only thing. Or the main thing.

My friend, I want you to know who created you, who loves you deeper than a brother, who sacrificed life and rose again for you. I want you to know the one who longs for you. 

I want you to want the joy and suffering and fulfillment that comes in knowing you belong in a place outside of this temporal world. And that your hope can be to someday rejoice in that fully forever. Because 

"now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face; now I know in part, but then I will know fully just as I also have been fully known." (‭1 Corinthians‬ ‭13‬:‭12‬)

No, I don't want happiness. I want Jesus, regardless of my worldly happiness.

An Update: Six Months in the Making

Life. It seems to be getting calmer now. As if a new normal is settling in.

I turn 31 in less than a month and it seems that 30 has been nothing close to any normal that I have had before. I left the job I had known for 3 and half years which included a lifestyle all its own.

In the mean time I had 3 part time jobs.

A very generous and fun family allowed me to live with them for the summer. A friend and I were re-directed from living together and an adorable apartment by the flea fiasco of 2014 (and other circumstances). In October opportunities opened up for both of us separately and I moved in with 2 great gals. I am paying rent for the first time since 2008.

I gave up on running after training half way for a full marathon. When the weather permits, I will run again.

On the same day in October, after a short period of unemployment, I was offered 2 jobs. I accepted one of them and have been there 4 month now.

The holiday season was a different feel this year. I went to Cracker Barrel with friends for Thanksgiving, which apparently many people do. Then spent most of the day alone. I only got to be home for about 72 hours at Christmas (this was my first year without a Christmas break, I am very thankful for all the years before). It seemed to be the year of no return to me. As if what once was would never be the same again. But maybe that's every year.

Wickwarmers did very well over the Christmas season. I could hardly keep up!

Some interesting relationships began to develop and others fizzle all at the same time.

I was a wedding coordinator for a dear friend for a weekend, which I thoroughly enjoyed. Also much enjoyed at that wedding was seeing far away friends all in the same place at the same time. And at 30 years old it was the first wedding to which I brought a guest (ever), and a very helpful sidekick and guest he was.

Five days after the wedding, my car window was busted into and my purse was stolen and I spent much of January and some of February trying to sort that out and get the bank to give me my money back.

The next day in January some life altering (bad) choices were made in my closest circle of friends. The effects (or affects?) of which reach far beyond us and far beyond the days we can plan ahead.

A year of transition was defined the day I got a W2 for a job I forgot I had and thought was going to be my 4th and final, but was my 4th and still waiting on final. Which I received and enjoyed doing my taxes as usual.

January was mostly a blur.

February has gone by in a flash. How are there only 2 days left?!

This week I reorganized my room and moved in my trusty elliptical machine. The machine I give a good deal of credit for my 40 lb weight loss 2 years ago and the machine I hope to get me back down the ever fluctuated 8-15 lbs I have gained back since.

This week I also bought a ticket to meet my mom in San Francisco this summer! And found a good deal. And can run off the energy that planning travel gives me for days!

It seems things are settling in. A new normal. Creating rhythm after a season of chaos in many ways.

But without the chaos we wouldn't appreciate the calm. Nor would I learn and grow and gain perspectives of which I might not have otherwise.

Oh, and I got to sneak in a trip to the beach recently for good measure.

March, the best month, the birthday month is 2 days away and I welcome its arrival. Here's to the chaos that makes us appreciate the calm and the growth that is gained in the mean time!